Milkshaykh

A medical student on Long Island, NY who enjoys photography, music, films, psychology/psychiatry, amongst other things. The pictures I post are those that I personally took, unless otherwise noted where photo credit will be given to the original photographer.

Male Genital/Rectal Exams? Aww man!

Yesterday was the day when my medical school decided it was time for us to perform the male genital/rectal exam. I think of myself to be a very mature person for my age. So, this shouldn’t bother me at all, right? Wrong. Why? Because I realized I’m freaking awkward.

We were assigned 5 students per standardized patient to perform the genital/rectal exam. Before we went in, couple of my group members (who were girls) said:

Girls: Hey, Jawad. You should teach us how to do this?

Me: What? Me? You both know more about handling penises than I do.

The girls became silent and gave the WTF look before I realized what I had just said. Why the hell would I say that to 1) students that I’m not really close to, 2) to girls?! Last time I checked, I’ve had a penis for 24 years of my life. That’s what they meant. Why am I so damn awkward at times.

Now we go into the room and the patient is instructing us how to do the exam. The patient turned out to be very flamboyant, and boy did that make even more of an experience. I don’t know about you guys, but when someone’s talking to you while there penis is right there, it’s kind of a surreal experience. And now this ensues:

Patient: Okay, so who wants to go first? 

<No one volunteers>

Patient: I guess I’ll have to choose. How about…you!

He points at me in the most flamboyant way. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m pro gay rights, I have quite a few gay friends. But I knew he was gonna choose me. For some reason I realized, gay guys are pretty fond of me at the med school. I think it’s because I used to flirt the hell out of a gay anatomy TA (who’s a 3rd year at the moment) because we never got TAs to help us out with our dissections. I bit a bullet for my anatomy group. 

Anyway, I manned up and started the genital exam and the first thing I said was:

Me: I am now going to start the exam by looking at your genitals…I mean, I am going to do the genital exam.

Patient: Yea, just say, “I”m going to perform the genital exam now.”

Why the hell would I phrase it that way? Jesus Christ! Then as I’m performing the exam, I get to the part where I have to locate the vas deferens. I had his testicles cupped in my hands and with my thumb was feeling for them. The patient exclaims:

Oooo, you’re already an expert at this!

I stopped and looked at the guy and said:

I don’t know how to respond to that…

The students and patient laughed but I was like, Oh god! They’re probably laughing because they think 1) I’ve held other men’s balls in my hands before, or 2) I’m very well acquainted with mine. After I was done, I usually tell the patient my findings, so I said to this patient:

Me: Everything looks perfect!

Patient: I think you should just say, “Everything appears to be normal.”

Perfect? How would I know what a perfect penis and testicles look like. Why would I say “perfect”. God, I’m awkward.

Then we get to the part where the patient is going to teach us how to put on a condom. He needs a volunteer to hold “The Demonstrator” (or in colloquial terms, a dildo). No one volunteers. He decides to choose a volunteer. Who does he choose? Yea, exactly. Me. I hold the dildo for him as he puts on the condom, I’m thinking why is this guy making me volunteer first for all of this stuff.

After that, everything went smoothly. Did the inguinal hernia check and digital rectal exam. But it was quite interesting. I wasn’t nervous about doing the exam as some of my classmates were. I know it’s strange. I’ve never held another man’s junk in 24 years. And when I did it yesterday, I don’t know how girls can put up with it. But I did come out with one firm decision: I’m definitely going into Psychiatry.

Ah, medical school…

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  4. naasirheydari said: Bhai your life is hilarious. I love it
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